Lawsuit
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After the Joker kicks out Harley Quinn again, Poison Ivy persuades her to sue him for psychological damage and assault. Ivy is sure there's no way they can lose the case, but things are never straightforward with a Joker in the deck.
1. Chapter 1

**Lawsuit**

"Red! Red! Red! Ya gotta open up, please!" sobbed Harley Quinn, knocking frantically on Poison Ivy's front door, tears streaming down her face. "Please, Red, Mr. J kicked me out again! And it's cold, and raining, and I ain't got anywhere else to go and…"

"Just a second, Harley!" shouted Ivy's voice, loudly. A few minutes later, she appeared at the door, dressed in a bathrobe and looking very annoyed. "You have terrible timing, you know that?" she growled.

"Aw, don't make me feel worse, Red!" cried Harley, throwing herself into her arms and sobbing. "Mr. J's already done enough of that! He called me useless, and pathetic, and stupid, and then he kicked me out, Red! Literally! He…he gave me the boot! Literally! And now my rear is sore, and my face is sore from where I landed on it, and my heart is broken, and…"

She broke off, sobbing again. Ivy sighed, patting her gently on the back. "Ok, baby, come in and get warm," she murmured. "Uh, Steven?" she called down the hall. "Are you…ah…decent?"

"Yeah, it's fine, Ivy!" called a voice.

Harley followed Ivy into the living room, where a blazing fire was burning in the fireplace, and a very attractive man sat on the rug, also in a bathrobe. "Harley, this is Steven Grant," said Ivy, gesturing to the man. "Steven, Harley Quinn."

"Pleased to…meetcha," sobbed Harley, wiping her nose with the back of her hand and then holding it out to him.

"Uh…nice to meet you too, Harley," said Steven, waving at her instead.

"Steven and I were just in the middle of…a date," said Ivy.

"Date?" repeated Harley. "What kinda date do you wear bathrobes for?"

"The…ah…third date," said Ivy, slowly. "Look, never mind, Harley. Can I get you something warm to drink?"

Harley nodded. "Hot cocoa, please," she whispered. "It's my favorite. And it's also…Mr. J's favorite!" she sobbed, bursting into tears again. Ivy sighed.

"Steven, drink?" she asked.

"No, thanks, Ivy," he said.

"I'll be back in a second. Harley, try to stop crying," said Ivy, leaving the room.

"O…K…Red!" sobbed Harley.

"Are you…all right, Harley?" asked Steven, slowly, as he took a seat next to her on the couch.

"Nah uh," said Harley, wiping her eyes. "My boyfriend kicked me out."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Steven, sincerely. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't think so," whispered Harley. "There's nothing I can do except wait for him to take me back. He's just gotta take me back! He's gotta!"

She sobbed again. "I just love him so much!" she cried. "And I tried to tell him that, but he just hit me and told me to shut my useless mouth!"

"He hit you?" repeated Steven, shocked.

"Yeah. Think I'll have a black eye in the morning," Harley murmured, glancing in the mirror over the mantle. "But the makeup should be able to cover it. It usually does the trick pretty good."

"This happens often?" asked Steven.

"Kinda. Mr. J's got a real temper on him," murmured Harley, gazing at the floor.

"Well, Harley, maybe if he treats you like that, you shouldn't want him to take you back," said Steven. "Maybe you're better off without him."

"No, you don't understand, I need him, Steven!" sobbed Harley. "I love him! And I'm used to it really – he treats me like that all the time."

Steven was silent. Ivy re-entered the room with a mug of hot cocoa which she handed to Harley. "At least you're not bleeding this time," she murmured, examining her face carefully. "Not like when J busted your nose a couple months ago."

"I deserved that one, Red," sniffed Harley. "I shouldn't have been clumsy and tripped over that alarm. It was my fault his scheme was ruined, and it was right of him to punish me for it."

"Harley, it sounds to me like this man just abuses you," said Steven. "Mentally and physically."

"It's…it's just 'cause he loves me, Steven," whispered Harley. "That's how my special puddin' shows me he cares."

Steven cleared his throat. "Harley, have you ever considered making this man pay for the damage he's done to you?"

"Pay?" repeated Harley. "Like give me money? I don't want money from him, Steven – he pays me enough in love and affection…"

"It's not just about money, Harley, it's about revealing this man for the scum that he is in a court of law," said Steven. "It's about publicly humiliating him, and showing the whole world that he's a cruel, abusive monster. It's about teaching him a lesson, so he will alter his behavior in the future."

"I dunno, Steven, Mr. J don't really change his behavior ever…" began Harley.

"I think it's a great idea, Steven!" exclaimed Ivy. "Why don't you take J to court, Harley? You can sue him for psychological damage, emotional trauma, and assault! That will take his massive ego down a peg if anything will!"

"I…I really don't think it's a good idea, Red…" began Harley.

"Well, think it over," said Steven. "I'm an attorney, and I'd certainly be interested in prosecuting your case against this jerk."

Harley stared at him. "You…you wouldn't be scared to prosecute the Joker?" she stammered.

"The Joker?" he repeated.

"That's…uh…my boyfriend," said Harley, slowly.

Steven stared at her, and then smiled. "No, Harley, I'm not at all scared to prosecute the Joker. In fact, prosecuting a celebrity like him can only add to my professional reputation, especially if I win. And once I get a couple pictures of your black eye, I'm pretty sure I can win."

He stood up. "Here's my card – think it over and call me tomorrow," he said. "I'll just go get dressed and be on my way."

"You have to do this, Harley!" exclaimed Ivy the moment they were alone. "J will be utterly furious to be exposed as an abuser in court! We'll drag your private life into the light, and his name into the mud!"

"Yeah…that's kinda what I'm afraid of, Red," said Harley. "I…I don't wanna hurt him or nothing, and his reputation needs all the help it can get. And he'll probably be in a better mood tomorrow and we can just let this whole thing blow over…"

"No," interrupted Ivy. "No, not this time, Harley! This time we sue the bastard!"

"But Red…"

"No buts! I'm telling Steven he's hired!" she said, leaving the room.

Harley sat alone in front of the fire, looking at Steven's business card. "I got a really bad feeling about this," she murmured.


	2. Chapter 2

When the Joker received a summons from Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn to appear in court, he laughed it off as a joke. Not a very funny joke, but then women generally weren't funny, in his opinion. Anyway, considering he was a wanted criminal, the very idea of him appearing in court was absurd. He'd just be arrested immediately, and so would they.

But the Joker had not reckoned with the power of the media. He was used to playing up for the cameras, and he liked the attention as well as the next guy. But this lawyer Ivy had hired also knew how to play up for the cameras. And when he had let the story break about the Joker being sued for emotional damages by Harley Quinn, the media had a field day. Aside from Bruce Wayne, the supervillains of Gotham City were the closest they had to celebrities, and when a celebrity relationship breaks up and looks messy, not even justice can get in the way of the audience's need to watch the drama unfold.

Even Batman decided to just let the lawsuit take place without his interference. "I'm glad that they've decided to work out their differences in a court of law, with the help of the justice system, rather than resorting to violence as they usually do," he said, when a reporter insisted that he comment on the issue after blocking his exit from Arkham Asylum. "Now get out of my way before I beat you into a pulp."

It was only a matter of time before Joker realized he was going to have to play this court game. He couldn't disappoint his adoring public like that. And that meant he needed a lawyer. And he was only going to get the best.

"So let me get this straight, J," said Two-Face. "You want me to defend you in court against Harley's charges of mental and physical abuse?"

"Correctomundo, Harv!" said Joker, beaming.

"You do know what defend means, right?" asked Two-Face. "It means I'm trying to prove you're not guilty of the charges."

"Well yeah, I did pass the fourth grade, Harvey," retorted Joker.

"But see, the problem is, you _are _guilty of the charges," said Two-Face. "Everyone knows you abuse Harley."

"Harvey, Harvey, Harvey, abuse is such a vague term," sighed Joker, waving his hand. "And the truth is so subjective. Maybe I've abused Harley, and maybe I haven't."

"I've seen you do it," retorted Two-Face.

"Have you? Or do you only think you have?" said Joker, smiling.

"No, I have," said Two-Face, nodding. "Only last week in fact. You punched her in the face for no reason."

"I'm sure there was a reason, Harvey," said Joker.

"She was just standing there," said Two-Face.

"No, she was also breathing," retorted Joker. "Loudly. That's why I punched her. She should probably just stop breathing altogether, eh, Harvey?" he chuckled. "We'd all be a lot happier!"

"See, if you've ever said that to her face, and I'm sure you have, that's emotional abuse," said Two-Face.

"Maybe the law needs to learn to take a joke, Harv," snapped Joker. "That's just a thing I do, joking about death. I say that everyone needs to die."

"And then you go out and really kill them," said Two-Face. "It's not a joke if you mean it."

"Don't try to lecture me on jokes, Harvey," snapped Joker.

"Look, J, my point is, I can't win this case," retorted Two-Face. "The evidence against you is going to be overwhelming."

"Then maybe we need to not fight it fair, Harvey," said Joker. "A little cheating will always help you win, am I right?"

"You talking bribery?" asked Two-Face, flipping his coin.

"Too easy, Harvey," chuckled Joker. "And no fun. You know how I love a captive audience. I wanna play this lawsuit game, but I'm gonna play by my rules. Which means I control it. I'm the prosecuter."

"No, you're the defendant," retorted Two-Face.

"And I need to be the prosecutor," agreed Joker, nodding. "So how do I go about doing that?"

"Um…file a countersuit of some sort?" asked Two-Face.

"Nah, too much effort. One lawsuit at a time, Harvey. Besides, I dunno what I'd sue Harley for, aside from being a useless, annoying waste of space. Can you sue people for that?"

"Uh…no," said Two-Face, slowly.

Joker sighed. "What's wrong with this country? Anyway, I need to get the advantage in_ this_ case. Turn it on its head. Get the upper hand."

"Well, unless you've got dirt on Harley that will make her out to be the abuser, or you can convince her to drop the case, I dunno how…"

"What was that last one, Harvey?" interrupted Joker.

"Convince her to drop the case," said Two-Face. "I mean, you're good at persuading her of things, right? That's how you two hooked up in the first place, isn't it, because she bought your whole victim act? She's clearly pretty gullible and easily manipulated."

"Yeah," agreed Joker. "Which means she isn't the problem. She isn't the one trying to manipulate this case. That's the Weed Lady."

Two-Face looked at him. "Pammie's calling the shots?" he asked, casually.

"Yeah. She's hired some fancy lawyer who's trying to make his name by suing a celebrity. And sleeping with a celebrity, or so I hear," laughed Joker.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Two-Face, his eyes narrowing in anger.

"Well, he and Pammie certainly look very chummy together," chuckled Joker. "I'm quite sure they're colleagues with benefits, as the saying goes. I mean, I know you're completely over her and everything…"

"That's right. I am," growled Two-Face.

"So you wouldn't have any interest in defending this case, and winning it, and showing Mr. Fameseeker up as a terrible lawyer, losing a case even a child could win," said Joker, nodding. "I mean, even if you didn't want to impress Pammie anymore, it would be satisfying to show your ex that she let the best get away, wouldn't it?"

"You still haven't told me how we're gonna win this case, short of bribing someone," retorted Two-Face.

"You tell me, Harvey," chuckled Joker. "Use your imagination."

Two-Face was silent, flipping his coin thoughtfully. It landed on the bad side. He held it up. "What we need, J, is some kinda bargaining chip," he muttered. "You wanna put on a show for the courtroom, and I get that, but what we gotta do is find something to bring down the curtain when we've had enough of watching it. You have got to get something on Pammie that she won't want exposed to the world, and threaten to use it unless she drops the case when you've had enough of it."

"Well, you dated her, Harvey, you give me the dirt," chuckled Joker. "I mean, I know she sleeps with plants and all, and what could possibly beat that?"

"Nothing I can think of, but then she didn't really confide in me," retorted Two-Face. "Why don't you ask Harley?"

"Because she won't answer her phone at the moment," retorted Joker. "Pammie's forced her to cut off all communication with me. Unless I can think of some way to get back in contact with her and…"

He trailed off, a smile suddenly lighting up his face. "Leave this with me, Harvey," he murmured, standing up. "I'll get you something good. Unless you still don't wanna take the case, of course, and wanna let Pammie's new hotshot lawyer boyfriend win instead!"

Two-Face glared at him, then flipped his coin again, glancing down at the bad side. "I'll see you in court," he muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

"Dr. Quinzel, could you please describe for the court the circumstances of your meeting with the defendant, and how you entered into a romantic relationship with him?" asked Steven, as Harley sat in the witness box, looking very uncomfortable.

"Objection!" shouted Joker.

"Yes, Mr. Joker, what's the objection?" asked the judge, turning to him.

Joker shrugged. "I dunno. It's just something people say in court, don't they? Objection! Call the first witness! You can't handle the truth!"

"I'll ask you again, Mr. Joker, please refrain from speaking until a question is addressed to you," sighed the judge. "Mr. Dent, could you kindly have a word with your client?"

"Sorry, your honor, he just has a compulsion to always be the center of attention," retorted Two-Face. "It's a rare condition called Massive Ego Disorder, which my client has suffered from as long as I've known him. I'll try to make him understand that this case isn't entirely about him."

"It most certainly is – I'm the one being sued!" retorted Joker.

"And my client is suing you for emotional damage and assault," said Steven, turning to him. "Which says to me that you've cared very little about her needs and feelings over the years, and this constant interruption of her testimony is yet another piece of evidence to attest to that. You're clearly an incredibly self-centered man who's so in love with the sound of your own voice that you don't care who you hurt as long as you get to put on a show."

"Says the man who became a lawyer," said Joker, smiling. "No guy ever goes into that business genuinely caring about right and justice, because you don't get to pick sides. You go with whatever side hires you, and put on an act you hope people believe. Reminds me of another profession I could name. The oldest one. Oh, what is it again? Um…oh, that's right! Certified Public Accountant," he said, beaming.

"May I continue with my questioning?" asked Steven, turning to the judge.

He nodded. "Please proceed."

"As I was saying, Dr. Quinzel, please describe in your own words the beginning of your relationship with the defendant," said Steven, turning back to Harley.

"Uh…well…I was his shrink," said Harley, slowly. "And we…uh…doesn't everyone know this story already?"

"We'd just like to hear it in your own words," repeated Steven.

"Oh. Ok. Well, I…we…uh…he…I…we had an affair…"

"Did you instigate the affair, or did he?" interrupted Steven.

"It was kinda…a mutual thing," stammered Harley.

"Dr. Quinzel, someone must have made the first move," retorted Steven. "Was it you or him?"

"He…he kissed me, but I…wanted him to," murmured Harley.

"Did you have sexual relations while he was still your patient?" asked Steven.

"Um…yeah," stammered Harley.

"How many times?" he asked.

"I…I dunno. It was a long time ago…"

"More than once?"

"Yeah."

"And did you have any indication that your patient had violent tendencies before you entered into a relationship with him?"

"Well…yeah. I think everyone kinda did. He's the Joker," said Harley, slowly.

"And yet you still entered into a relationship with him, and sacrificed your career and your professional ethics in such an extreme way as to actually engage in physical relations with him while he was still your patient," said Steven. "Why?"

"Well…I…I loved him," stammered Harley.

"Objection!" shouted Joker again.

"What is it, Mr. Joker?" asked the judge.

"Harley used the past tense," said Joker, grinning. "But she's still crazy for me, ain't ya, pooh?"

"You don't have to answer that, Dr. Quinzel," said Steven.

"No, but I wanna…" began Harley.

"You do, however, have to answer my question, which is why would you give up everything you had and devote your life to this violent, homicidal psychopath, and go so far as to assume your own criminal identity and join him in his life of crime?"

"I…told you," stammered Harley. "I loved him. I still…"

"Would it not be fairer to say, Dr. Quinzel, that he manipulated you? That he abused your mind from the start, playing with you for his own selfish ends and making you feel like your own life was utterly worthless unless it was intimately involved with his?"

"No," said Harley. "No, puddin' ain't like that. He wouldn't seduce me just to use me. He loved me too, right from the start. Ain't that right, puddin'?" she asked, gazing pleadingly at Joker.

"Please, Dr. Quinzel, the last thing we need is you encouraging him to speak," said Steven.

"Objection!" shouted Joker again.

"Overruled, Mr. Joker, as all your objections will be when not voiced by your lawyer," snapped the judge. "If you do not cease interrupting at once, you will be removed from court, do you understand?"

"I'd like to see you try, pal," retorted Joker, smiling at him.

"Dr. Quinzel, we have witnesses, Miss Ivy for one, who are prepared to swear that they have seen you both physically and mentally abused by the defendant," continued Steven. "Would you please, in your own words, describe to the court the circumstances surrounding your latest parting of the ways?"

"Oh…you mean why Mr. J kicked me out? Well, it was…kinda silly now that I think about it, really…"

"He kicked you out over something trivial? And kicking out isn't a figure of speech in this case, is it?"

"Uh…no, Mr. J did…kick me," murmured Harley. "But it didn't hurt that much, really, and I'm used to it so you just kinda become desensitized to the pain…"

"And why did he do this?" pressed Steven.

"Well, I…asked him if maybe next time…I could have a shot at planning a scheme to fight the Bat," said Harley, quietly. "See, it was silly, and I shouldn't have asked…"

"Please describe the defendant's response to your request," interrupted Steven.

"Well, he…he got kinda mad," murmured Harley. "Said I…I didn't have the brains to trap Batman, that my schemes would be stupid and lame and not funny, because I was stupid and lame and not funny. And so I…got kinda angry and tried to prove him wrong. I suggested that we…we…pull a scheme at a dentist's office, and send Batman a pair of chattering teeth. And he just…looked at me and then he…he hit me…"

"Where?"

"In…in the face," stammered Harley. "But I think he was probably aiming for my rear, y'know, to give me a playful spanking or something. Anyway, he told me that…wasn't funny."

"Did he say anything else?" asked Steven.

"Uh…yeah, but I'd rather not repeat…"

"Please, Dr. Quinzel, you are under oath to tell the whole truth," said Steven.

Harley bit her lip. "He…uh…called me a useless, pathetic, worthless waste of space who wouldn't know a joke if it hit me in the face. And then he hit me in the face, and laughed, and said that was funny. And then he said he wasn't gonna be weighed down by an unfunny, dumb blonde anymore, and that's when he…kicked me out, and shouted at me to never come back. But he didn't mean it, y'see, it was all a joke, so…"

"You don't think that kind of behavior demeans and humiliates you?" asked Steven.

"Uh…well…I guess...but…"

"Thank you, Dr. Quinzel, no further questions," interrupted Steven. "Could I please call the Joker to the stand?"

Joker stood up and whistled as he made his way to the witness box. He passed Harley and winked at her, and then slipped a small piece of paper into her hand. Harley smiled and returned to her seat, clutching the paper tightly in her fist.

"Mr. Joker, is it true you called Dr. Quinzel useless, pathetic, and worthless?" asked Steven when the Joker was seated. "And then you hit her in the face?"

Joker shrugged. "Who's to say?" he sighed.

"You. Because you're accused of doing it," retorted Steven.

"Look, anything I may or may not do to Harley is our private business," said Joker. "And I think the law needs to keep its big nose outta our business. It's as nosy as the Bat!" he chuckled.

"It becomes the law's business when people are hurt because of your actions," retorted Steven. "I appreciate you have a hard time understanding that."

"I think the law just wants to hear all the kinky gossip about our relationship," laughed Joker. "Honestly, you're worse than the tabloids!"

"What the law is trying to do is protect this young woman from further abuse at your hand, and see that you pay the price for mistreating her all these years," said Steven. "Which is a fairly noble cause, in my view."

Joker sighed. "You and the Bat," he muttered. "Using the same old noble cause thing as an excuse to interfere in other people's fun. I mean, if you're gonna throw words like that around, you better make sure your record is clean as a whistle. And I dunno about you, but I don't think doing your client is particularly noble."

"My relationship with Miss Ivy is not what this case is about," said Steven, coldly. "It's about your frankly disgusting relationship with Dr. Quinzel."

"Objection!" shouted Two-Face, standing up. "Disgusting is a loaded and subjective term! There is no reason why, if it were closely examined, Mr. Grant's relationship with Miss Ivy could not also be termed disgusting by…certain parties."

"Could we have Miss Ivy take the stand momentarily?" asked Steven, turning to the judge.

He nodded, and Ivy entered the witness box. "Miss Ivy…" began Steven.

"How was it for you last night?" chuckled Joker.

"Mr. Joker, for the last time, be silent," snapped the judge. "Or I will hold you in contempt of court."

"Miss Ivy, can you confirm that you have personally witnessed multiple instances of mental and physical abuse of Dr. Quinzel by the defendant?" asked Steven.

"Yes," said Ivy.

"Would you describe their relationship as disgusting?"

"Yes," repeated Ivy.

"Woah, hey, sweetheart, don't go accusing me of being disgusting!" said Joker, smiling. "Before you got your fern misted by good old Steven here, I have it on good authority that you used to let weeds plant their roots in your garden…"

"Would you say that in this case, the term disgusting is an objective one?" continued Steven. "Nobody in their right mind could find this relationship normal or unrepulsive, could they?"

"If they do, they deserve to be locked up in Arkham," retorted Ivy. "And I don't sleep with plants, you sick bastard," she muttered, glaring at Joker.

"That's not evidence – that's Miss Ivy's opinion," growled Two-Face. "Not the plant thing – I'm sure someone can find evidence for that. But opinions are always subjective. Subjectively, everyone in this courtroom may look at my client as a homicidal, insane, murdering psychopath…"

"Wow, don't help me, Harvey!" chuckled Joker.

"But objectively, this man is a victim," continued Two-Face. "A victim of a terrible accident which broke his mind and transformed his body. And how does society treat that victim? They let some caped nutcase beat him to a bloody pulp night after night. Is it any wonder why my client is confused? He doesn't know any other way to treat people than the way society has treated him. He's showing affection the only way he knows how. So if he is found guilty of these allegations, I hope you understand that the blame for it isn't on his head. It's on yours."

Two-Face sat down. Steven cleared his throat. "Are you saying punching out Batman night after night is the Joker's way of showing affection?" he asked, smiling. "Are you implying he's in love with Batman?"

There was a murmur of laughter from the audience. "No, I'm saying that he's treating others as he's been treated…" began Two-Face.

"No, no, let's explore your theory a little," said Steven, grinning. "Miss Ivy, would you agree with that statement? That the Joker is in love with Batman?"

"I most certainly would," said Ivy, nodding. "It's my opinion he beats up Harley to release his repressed sexual frustration about not being able to have Batman. It would definitely explain why he always prefers him to her, and why he's so reluctant to sleep with her all the time."

There was more laughter from the audience.

"My client's sexual behavior is not what this case is about," growled Two-Face, standing up again. "Although again, one can speculate that, if he is found guilty of these accusations, pain and abuse is a sexual turn on for him, as indeed it obviously is for Dr. Quinzel. If abuse is consensual, surely there is no harm in it? Or are you going to prosecute everyone who enjoys a sado-masochistic relationship?"

"Now is Batman the masochist, or is that Mr. Joker?" asked Steven, smiling again.

The audience kept laughing, and Two-Face was just thinking how to win the crowd back when Harley stood up.

"Mr. J ain't in love with Bats!" she shrieked. "He loves his Harley girl always and forever! I may sometimes roleplay as Bats in bed, but that's just a game we play! And yeah, he may hit me and call me worthless, but that's only because he loves me! Maybe you idiots can't understand the difference between abuse and love, but there is one!"

"Harley, Harley, Harley, sit down, you useless waste of space," said Joker, beaming at the crowd. Two-Face saw fury in his eyes, but his face was all smiles. "The last thing anyone wants is the opinion of some dumb broad who can't figure out when I'm joking or not. Just like everyone in this courtroom, apparently. No sense of humor, the lot of you. With a crowd as tough as this, what hope do I have of establishing my innocence? Well, I suppose there is one…would anyone mind if Harvey and I took a brief recess until tomorrow? I just have one tiny thing I need to discuss with him."

The judge nodded. "I'll allow it. This court is adjourned until lunch tomorrow."

"That's all, folks!" chuckled Joker, as he strode from the room, singing the Looney Tunes theme song. Harley watched him go, and then read the note he had handed her again:

_Pumpkin pie,_

_Tonight. My hotel room. Lots and lots of fun. Don't let Weed Lady or her boy toy know. _

_Love,_

_Mr. J. _


	4. Chapter 4

"So J, where's the bargaining chip?" asked Two-Face. "Is it here?"

They were seated in a very fancy restaurant, and Two-Face wasn't exactly comfortable being seen here with the Joker. It was the kinda place you took expensive dates to, and most of the other people here were indeed couples who studied them curiously as Two-Face sipped his drink, and watched Joker devouring a plate of oysters with a napkin tied around his neck.

"It's coming later, Harvey," chuckled Joker. "And it's not the only thing!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Two-Face.

Joker checked his watch. "I'm gonna need to see you again in about five hours, Harvey," he said. "So why doncha go hang out at some bars, maybe take home a date, and meet me back here then?"

"This place will be closed in five hours," said Two-Face.

"Yeah. So? You ain't ever broken into a joint before?" asked Joker. "Call yourself a criminal," he said, shaking his head sadly. "Hey, garcon, can I get another plate of oysters over here?"

The waiter obeyed. "And perhaps sir would like something to drink?" he asked. "We have wine…"

"Nope, no alcohol, thanks, garcon," said Joker. "Can you just make me some herbal tea, with vanilla and ginseng?"

"Um…we don't have the facilites to make tea…" began the waiter.

"Ya need me to go back there and teach ya how to boil water, kid?" demanded Joker, rounding on him. "Because if you do, I guarantee half of it's going in your eye."

"No…Mr. Joker, sir, we'll…cope," stammered the waiter, hurrying off.

"Since when have you started drinking tea?" demanded Two-Face. "Bit girly for you, isn't it? Did the whole you being in love with Batman thing today turn you fruity?"

Joker chuckled. "On the contrary, Harvey," he said, smiling. "It's sharpened my appetite for the female body."

Two-Face suddenly put it all together. "You're gonna get laid?" he asked. "How is that gonna help anything? And how is that gonna get us our bargaining chip?"

"All will be revealed in time, Harv," said Joker, smiling. "You just enjoy your evening. I know I'll enjoy mine. And hey, pick up the check for this, would ya? Thanks, you're a pal," he said, standing up and leaving the room, clapping Two-Face on the back.

Two-Face stared after him as the waiter returned. "Um…he ordered tea?" he asked.

Two-Face sighed. "I'll take it. And then I'll tell Pammie I drank some of her babies. That'll show the bitch," he muttered, scowling.

…

"Harley, Ivy, I bought champagne!" exclaimed Steven, entering Ivy and Harley's hotel room and holding up a bottle. "Because this case is as good as won!"

"Did you see J's face?" giggled Ivy, throwing her arms around Steven's neck and kissing him. "Oh, that whole Batman thing was an added bonus! And he abused you right there in court, Harley! There's no way they can win now! And it's all thanks to you, Steven!" she sighed, kissing him again.

"No, it's all thanks to Harley," said Steven, pouring three glasses of champagne and handing Harley one with a grateful nod. "This is big, Ivy, I mean, this is really big! Have you seen how the papers are going nuts over this? I'm swamped with work! Everyone wants to hire me!"

"I'm not surprised – you beat the former DA," said Ivy, smiling. "You should run for it yourself now."

"I think my relationship with you would prevent me from winning," said Steven, kissing her. "Nobody wants a DA who's sleeping with a criminal, do they?"

"I do," murmured Ivy, grinning as she seized him by the tie and devoured his mouth.

Harley had slowly put down the champagne glass and was inching toward the door. "Where are you going, Harley?" asked Steven suddenly, drawing away from Ivy.

"Oh…just…y'know," stammered Harley. "Out for a walk…around the block."

"You really should stay here," said Steven. "The Joker's probably pretty angry at you. He might attempt an attack on your life if you go out alone."

"Oh, well…I'm sure I can handle him," said Harley, slowly. "Anyway, I should leave you two alone to enjoy your night. Y'know…celebrate in style," she said, smiling.

"Harley…"

"Oh, let her go, Steven," interrupted Ivy. "Just be sure to get some rest for tomorrow, won't you, Harley?" she asked. "So you can look good for our victory? You don't wanna look tired for all those pictures in the paper."

"Sure thing, Red," said Harley. "Night, you two."

She left the hotel and made her away across town to the Joker's.

"Mr. J?" whispered Harley, pushing open the door to his room.

"Come in, Harley," murmured Joker. He was seated in the shadows, smoking a cigar and smiling at her.

"I'm really not meant to be speaking to you like this," said Harley, entering the room and shutting the door behind her.

"But when Daddy says come, you come," he murmured, grinning.

Harley shivered in excitement at his tone, but tried not to let her face show it. "What did you want to see me about?" she asked.

Joker inhaled from the cigar, and then tapped the ashes into a tray. "I want you to drop this lawsuit, baby," he murmured. "I don't like airing our dirty laundry in public like this. Not when we could just make some more laundry dirty, if you know what I'm saying."

"Oh…Mr. J," gasped Harley, shivering again. Then she cleared her throat. "But…no. No. Red said I have to see this through to the end. She says it's the only way you're gonna respect me in the future."

"You don't want respect from me, Harley," murmured Joker, putting down his cigar in the ashtray. "And you don't deserve respect. But you do deserve a nice, hard spanking from Daddy for all this foolishness, and you want that too, don't you, you dirty little slut?"

"Mr. J…you shouldn't talk to me like that," whispered Harley. "You know what it does to me…"

"What does it do to you, baby?" he murmured, coming over to her and taking her in his arms. "Tell Daddy."

"It makes me wanna…oh, Mr. J," she whispered as he brought his mouth down toward hers. He enveloped it, and she let out a little moan of pleasure, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing him hard against her.

"Oh…oh, Mr. J, no!" gasped Harley as he shoved her down on the bed. "I can't…I gotta be good…Red says I gotta be…oh! Oh, puddin'!" she gasped, as he began undressing her. "Oh, puddin', yes! Oh God, I've missed you so much!"

"I've missed you too, my scrumptious little cupcake," Joker murmured. "And tonight I wanna make up for all the lost time we've wasted. I wanna do everything, and I wanna do it rough."

"Everything?" gasped Harley, excitedly. "Oh, Mr. J, you bad boy!" she cried, tearing at his clothes. She grinned at him. "Ok, then, puddin'," she breathed. "Hit me. Hard."

Joker grinned back. "My pleasure, pooh," he murmured, raising his hand. He looked up to check that the little red light was still blinking over the bed, smiled, and brought his hand down.

…

"Harvey?"

Two-Face looked up to see the Joker appearing from the shadows, holding up a tape. "Daddy J's got his bargaining chip," he murmured, grinning.


	5. Chapter 5

"So why did you insist on waking us up at four in the morning?" muttered Ivy in annoyance, rubbing her eyes as she entered the living room of the hotel suite with Steven following her.

"It's important, Red, trust me," said Harley. "It's something to do with the case."

Ivy froze in shock when she saw that Joker and Two-Face were seated on the sofa in front of the TV, smiling at them. "Harley, we're not supposed to be meeting with…" she began.

"Yeah, but I've got something you're gonna wanna see," interrupted Joker, grinning. "Something that's gonna convince you to drop the case."

"Nothing on earth will make me do that," growled Ivy.

"Oh, I think this might," chuckled Joker. "Pumpkin, Harvey, would you leave the room, please? I only want Pammie and Steven to be subjected to this."

Two-Face and Harley obeyed, shutting the door. "Now if we could all just take a seat on the sofa, I'm gonna press play," said Joker, taking the remote. "This is about ten minutes into the tape."

Images and sounds flashed across the screen, images and sounds that Ivy slowly processed, and then grew horrified at. "Oh…God," she stammered. "Oh God, turn it off! Turn it off now!" she shrieked, growing more hysterical as she hid her eyes. But she couldn't block out the terrible sounds, which were blessedly ended as the Joker pressed the power button.

"That tape is approximately three hours long," he murmured. "It is certainly damning evidence of physical abuse, but it is also evidence of the consensual abusive relationship I have with the prosecuter. It tears her claim of emotional damage from that to shreds, as she is very clearly enjoying it, and I am going to submit the entire thing as vital evidence. It will have to be shown in court in order to validate it. Everyone in court, including yourselves, will have to be exposed to all three hours of this, unless you withdraw this case from consideration. What do you think, Pammie? Think you can take three hours of it?" he asked, turning the power back on.

"J, turn it off now!" shouted Ivy. "God…I will never…be able to forget those images!"

Joker flicked off the TV again, and lit a cigar. "Your choice, Pammie," he said. "Harley's already agreed to drop the case. I just need you to agree too."

"I need to…discuss this with my lawyer," stammered Ivy.

Joker grinned. "Good," he said, rising and taking the tape. "Then I'll see you in court tomorrow, where I expect you'll tell the judge to call the whole thing off. Oh, and one more thing, sweetheart," he said, grinning at her as he blew smoke into her face. "Don't ever take me to court. You'll lose. Night."

There was silence after he left. "Do you wanna talk about…" began Steven.

"No," interrupted Ivy. "No, I'm just gonna…try to forget."

"I mean talk about what we should do," said Steven, slowly. "It's right that he lose this case. We shouldn't give in to his demands…"

"It would _not_ be right to have to see three hours of that," interrupted Ivy. "Nothing about that is right."

She buried her face in her hands. "He's won," she whispered. "How has he won again? I was so close this time…"

"Ivy, you could always…"

"I can't watch three hours of that!" interrupted Ivy. "Nobody should have to watch three hours of that ever!" She drew a deep breath. "We have to drop the case, Steven."

"Ivy, if I don't win this case, I'll be completely disgraced," retorted Steven. "Nobody will ever hire me for anything again!"

"Ok, well, if you love me, you'll do this for me," said Ivy. "In fact, if you love humanity, you'll do this for them."

"You don't love humanity…"

"And I'm still trying to save them from this, so that should show you how evil it is!" shrieked Ivy. "And how important it is to me that you drop this case!"

"Ivy…"

"Drop the case, or I'll drop you, Steven!" shouted Ivy.

The door to the hotel room opened about five minutes later and Steven left. And a few minutes after that, a knock came on Ivy's door.

"Lost your lawyer?" asked Two-Face casually as she opened it.

"I told him I'd drop him if he didn't drop the case," growled Ivy. "He didn't believe me."

She took a deep breath. "Did you see the tape?" she muttered.

"Thankfully he just explained it to me, rather than showed me," said Two-Face. "But then I wasn't the one suing him. Guess he figured you needed to be punished for that…"

"Please don't say things like that," interrupted Ivy. "I just keep seeing…and hearing…does Harley know what's on the tape?"

"I don't think so," replied Two-Face. "He just told her it was a surprise that was gonna make you drop the case."

"You think if she knew she'd be angry?" asked Ivy.

"I think you should stop trying to use Harley to hurt him," retorted Two-Face. "If you hate him that much, you should show him the old-fashioned way. By beating the crap outta him. Leave the law outta it, and settle it man to man. Or man to woman-plant hybrid, I guess."

"Yeah," said Ivy, nodding slowly. "I guess that's for the best."

She looked at him. "You wanna stay with me for the rest of tonight?" she asked gently.

He shrugged. "Sure."

"But can we just…cuddle?" she asked. "I don't think I'm gonna wanna do more than that for…a long time after seeing that tape."

"Fine, let J win like that," retorted Two-Face. "Let him win the court case and put you off guys forever. Nothing would please him more."

Ivy sighed. "You are a very persuasive man, Mr. Former DA," she murmured, managing a smile.

"There ain't been a lawyer yet who can beat me, baby," he retorted, grinning.

"Well, I guess I would have hated letting Steven break your winning streak," murmured Ivy. "I just wish there had been some other way for us to lose than for me having to see…that. I don't think I can face either of them again without being sick. God, it was so…wrong, Harvey!" she sobbed, throwing herself into his arms.

"Well…I'll do what I can to make it right," he murmured. She smiled as he kissed her tenderly, picked her up, and carried her inside.


	6. Chapter 6

In court the next day, both Ivy and Steven were very subdued as Steven slowly explained to the judge that his client wished to drop all charges. Joker and Harley, however, were flirting with each other across the courtroom, Harley giggling and blushing while Joker winked and blew kisses at her. It sickened Ivy to watch it, but it sickened her even more when she remembered what she had seen last night.

"Dr. Quinzel, can you confirm that you wish to withdraw all charges against the defendant?" asked the judge, turning to Harley.

"Uh huh," said Harley, gazing at Joker dreamily. "Puddin's the sweetest, handsomest, nicest guy in the world. The best a girl could get. I'm such a lucky gal."

"And Miss Ivy, can you also confirm you wish to drop all charges?" asked the judge.

"Yes," muttered Ivy. "I do."

"In that case, I believe we can dismiss…"

"Just a minute, your honor," said Joker, standing up. "I think considering all the trouble I've been put through, it's only fair that Miss Ivy apologizes to me."

"Why me?" demanded Ivy.

"Because Harley already did it last night," he chuckled. "And she got spanked hard for it. Bet you had a hard time sitting down today, huh, toots?" he giggled.

"Yeah, Mr. J," she purred, beaming at him. "I'm real sore."

Ivy shuddered. "I'll also be needing an apology from Mr. Grant, after Miss Ivy, of course," continued Joker. "Ladies first."

"Under no circumstances…" began Steven.

"Hey, I said ladies first!" shouted Joker, pulling out his gun and suddenly shooting Steven in the face. "Not nice to be told to shut up all the time, is it?" he demanded of the corpse as the court began screaming and panicking. Joker fired a couple more shots into the air. "Quiet down, everyone!" he shouted. "I just want everyone to hear the apology from Pammie for inconveniencing me, and for the whole Batman thing. Go ahead, Pammie," he said, pointing the gun at her.

"J, don't…" began Two-Face, but a mass of plant roots suddenly burst through the floor, seizing Joker tightly and knocking the gun from his hands.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, racing forward and breaking the emergency glass, and seizing the axe on the wall. People began shrieking and fleeing from the courtroom as Harley chopped violently at the plants. "Let go of him, ya dumb bunch of weeds!" she shrieked.

"Harley, stop it!" screamed Ivy. "Don't hurt them!"

"Then tell them to let go of Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, still hacking at the plants mercilessly.

More roots burst through the floor, trying to grab Harley, but she flipped out of the way, dodging them and chopping at them. Meanwhile, Joker had broken free and picked up his gun, firing randomly into the courtroom.

It was only a matter of time before the chaos attracted Batman. He crashed through the roof and landed on top of Joker, grabbing the gun away from him and handcuffing him. Then he managed to seize the axe from Harley and do the same. The plants made Ivy's capture a bit harder, but he managed it at last, along with Two-Face.

"I was hoping you could all settle your differences in a non-violent, legal way," he muttered as he drove them back to Arkham.

"What, you mean the way you do, Bats?" chuckled Joker.

"I guess that was wishful thinking," continued Batman, ignoring him. "There's no keeping you from a fight."

"Hey, it would have been fine if that big jerk had played fair!" shouted Ivy.

"I'm the Joker, toots, I don't play fair," retorted Joker, grinning.

"Yeah, he just plays real dirty," purred Harley, cuddling against him and kissing him. "I mean, we don't even have a safety word."

Ivy shuddered again, and tried to forget. But that was impossible – the experience had disturbed her too deeply, and she wanted revenge for it. A few weeks later, when Harley was present, Ivy asked the Joker what he had done with the sex tape.

"What sex tape?" asked Joker, puzzled.

"The one you showed me and Steven to make you drop your case," retorted Ivy.

Harley had been cooing over him, but looked up in shock at Ivy's words. "What?" she gasped. "That was a…sex tape?" She looked at Joker. "Of…us?" she stammered.

Joker laughed. "Of course it wasn't, pumpkin pie," he said, patting her on the head. "I dunno why Pammie would make up something like that."

"You are such a digusting liar!" hissed Ivy.

"What was on the tape, then, puddin'?" asked Harley.

"Cartoons," replied Joker.

"Those were not cartoons…" began Ivy.

"Why would cartoons make Red and Steven drop your case?" asked Harley.

Joker shrugged. "Who knows how their twisted minds work, pooh?" he sighed.

"J, Harley deserves to see what was really on that tape," hissed Ivy. "Why don't you go find it and show her?"

"I can't," retorted Joker. "I don't have it anymore."

"What did you do with it?" asked Ivy. "Burned it, I hope to God."

"No, no," chuckled Joker. "Sent it to an old friend, who I know will really enjoy it."

…

Batman studied the tape, on which was written the words: _Top Secret Plan: For Batboy's Eyes Only_. Then he popped it into the the machine in the Batcave and it began playing. There was an out of focus image, which gradually turned into the Joker's face.

"Hi, Bats!" he chuckled, waving. "It's me! Before we begin our feature presentation, which I'm sure you'll love, by the way, I just want to explain a few things. First of all, I have indeed hidden a description of a top secret plan somewhere on this tape. At some point during this film's three hour runtime, I do give specific and exact details as to the location of a bomb which will destroy hundreds of people's pathetic little lives if not disarmed by a certain flying rodent. But I'm not telling you where on the tape this information is. You'll have to watch the whole thing in order to find out. And don't even think about skipping bits – you might miss it. Also, for your viewing pleasure, there's a bit about an hour and twenty minutes in, when Harley puts on the Batman costume and things really get fun. Anyway, I hope you enjoy watching this as much as I enjoyed making it! Oh, and I hope things aren't too awkward between us after this. I mean, I hope you don't look at me from now on and see me naked or anything. Although I guess that would make us even!" he chuckled. "See ya soon, Bats!" he chuckled, blowing a kiss at the camera. And then the tape began.

Batman stared at it in horror for a few moments, and then shut his eyes tightly, clapping his hands over his ears. "Three hours," he gasped, the slow realization that he would have to watch all of it gradually sinking in. "Oh God."

He forced his eyes open and tried not to feel ill. "This is the worst thing he's ever done to me," he muttered, gritting his teeth and trying to endure it. He didn't know how he was ever going to face the Joker again.

**The End**


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